I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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