me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My pussy is not your playground.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
