My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
