this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
