Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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