There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
