I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
