Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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