i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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