well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
