In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
