Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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