So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize