Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
