Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
