update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize