Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize