If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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