Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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