Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
