I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
