I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
