Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
