You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Pants are for mortals
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
