When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
