I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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