I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Randomize
