mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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