if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
