I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
