Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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