Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
