Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
