and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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