By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Randomize
