You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
