he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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