Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
