Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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