i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
