I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
