the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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