Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just invented taco cereal.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
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