3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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