I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We just shotgunned beers for America
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
