don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
