People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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