he thought i was a dude.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
sex in a hospital.. check
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
