i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
