I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize