I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
