if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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