sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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